Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wealthy, world-famous 23 year-old professional athlete caught smoking pot

"Message to children" described as “accurate.”

The revelation that 14-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps attended a raging party where he consumed alcohol to excess and smoked marijuana from a glass water-filtration device commonly known as a “bong” is being treated as a breath of fresh air by many parents.

Reginald Grayson, a father of two boys (ages 7 and 10) has pleased with the news:

“Michael Phelps has accomplished so much professionally, but the talk of hard work and countless hours training, the strange diet, and the fact that he seemed kind of bland in interviews really turned my boys off of swimming. Now they’re finally getting to see that there is a fun side to being successful.”

Other parents welcomed the opportunity to speak frankly with their children about marijuana. Marie St. Edison had this to say:

I find it difficult to talk to my daughter about drugs in general, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach the fact that marijuana use is widespread among professional athletes, as we’re not really basketball fans. Phelps is an example we can really relate too.

She added:

I mean, if you can win all those gold medals while still getting higher than a hot-air balloon, how bad can it really be?

Even President of the United States (and father of two) Barack Obama was relieved by the news:

“As a former marijuana user, it’s important that we convey to children that experimenting with mind-altering substances in your late teens and early twenties will not prevent you from becoming President of the United States, or from becoming the most decorated athlete in Olympic history.”

Yes, Phelps’ perfectly age-appropriate behavior is a shining example for all of us. Thankfully, no one in the media has engaged in any over-the-top hysterics about the message this sends to children or demanded a hollow-sounding apology.


E.S.K. said...

Haven't you seen the commercials? Phelps will now become a fat slob who is hated by all of his high school friends because he is always semi-comatose.

Also, gateway drug Paul. Before the end of the week Phelps will be blasting black tar under his fingernails and chasing it with a few bumps of special k.

PaulNoonan said...

One of my top ten favorite Simpsons quotes:

Lenny: Hey Homer, want to try some Marijuana?

Carl: They say it's a gateway drug!

Love the "gateway drug" as a selling point.

ahren said...

there's a certain level of fame at which people are allowed to use drugs somewhat publicly with impunity. the beatles did it, the grateful dead did it, cheech and chong did it for awhile.

i think phelps might be the first athlete to reach this level. without phelps, no one cares about swimming. he's got the sport of swimming by the short hairs. they can't "ban" him.

he should keep in mind however, that as soon as your off the top of your game, you become fair game again-- hence chong going to jail for selling pot pipes and george clinton being arrested for smoking crack...

DannyNoonan said...

The fake apology was so lame. I love the lie about how athletes shouldn't do drugs because they're role models and kids will do what they do. You know what's worse for you than pot? Football. NFL Players live to be like 60 years old on average. Ricky Williams was a pot-smoker with a football problem. Basketball is probably worse for you than pot too. That stuff is hard on your joints, no? Most sports probably are (although swimming is probably a little better for you than pot).

Rob said...

Did Barack Obama really say that? That is unreal...

Chris said...

Takes a long pull off the his water bong

Ah what were we talking about? got anything to eat?"

PaulNoonan said...

Note: Barack Obama did not really say that (and the other two people don't even exist), however, he did admit to smoking pot in his younger days.

Rob said...

Whew, you almost made me "think less" of big B.O.

DannyNoonan said...

The Onion is at it's best when its articles aren't parody:

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