Tim Tebow? Jesus Christ…

This column is amazingly bad to the point that I do not know if it is serious or not. I believe it is because it contains facts that are not facts. (Or as I call them, "lies".) Good satire uses the truth to its advantage. This is just tripe. Assuming it is serious, it's almost certainly the worst thing ever published at Fanhouse.

Look, I suppose there is some outside shot that Tim Tebow will succeed in the NFL. Maybe his big frame will let him hang in the pocket like Roethlisberger and allow his receivers extra time to get open (and extra time for his terribly slow delivery). Maybe he continues to be a weapon running the ball. It could happen.

But it probably won’t.

And anyone who thinks it will based on a few Brandon Lloyd circus catches against one of the worst pass defenses in the league is just delusional. Tebow completed just over half his passes for a lot of yards based on a few bombs that clicked. He had 1 TD and 1 pick, and added a rushing TD (although he only averaged 2.7 ypc). This was not some stellar performance, and pretending it was is just silly. Matt Cassel (201, 3 TDs, 0 picks) and David Garrard (342, 2 TDs, 0 picks) tore this team up. Mark Sanchez, who is apparently quite bad at football, looked like John Elway against Houston (315, 3TDs, 1 Pick). Donovan McNabb threw for 426 yards and a TD against them (no picks). Kerry Collins and Bruce Gradkowski put up games that were at least the equal of Tebow.

On Sunday, Tebow completed 55% of his passes. Only one other QB has completed as low a percentage as Tebow against the Texans this year: Rusty Smith. The Texans have allowed a QB to complete at least 65% of his passes on 8 occasions this year, and have allowed a QB to complete 70% of his passes 5 times. Tebow threw 1 pick and 1 TD. The only other QBs to not have a positive TD/Int ratio against the Texans are Bruce Gradkowski and Rusty Smith. The only other QBs to not throw at least 2 TD passes against the Texans are McNabb (who threw for 426 yards and no picks) and Rusty Smith.

It is difficult to oversell just how bad the Texans secondary was this year. That is what makes this piece of fanboy nonsense so completely terrible.

At the 2009 World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, I bought and wore a teal and white, Jacksonville Jaguar colors, "Draft Tebow" T-shirt. The shirt had been for sale at a local Walgreen's -- perhaps the first time Walgreen's had been directly complicit in an NCAA violation -- and I wore it at the Georgia-Florida game to gauge fan reaction. (Read that column here.)

At that time Tebow and Florida were the defending national champions and how Tebow projected as an NFL quarterback was the single most-debated issue in the Southeastern Conference. Throw open the phone lines beneath the Mason-Dixon line and you could take calls for hours, everyone had an opinion.

Generally, the Tebow haters, and they were legion, would argue that his football glory was short-lived. That he could never win a football game in the NFL. That he would have to change positions to tight end or fullback. That Tim Tebow was a system quarterback who had no future at the position.

Just to distinguish myself as a "non-hater", I’d like to point something out. Tim Tebow’s college stats, in a vaccuum, absolutely look like they should translate to NFL success. He started a lot of games and he had a very high completion percentage. We’re not talking about a Kyle Boller-esque combine darling here.
The reasons that people are skeptical of Tebow are almost entirely based on scouting.

He has a funky delivery (and not in the good, Philip Rivers way), and he has trouble with the accuracy of certain throws. He was bigger than many college linebackers (but not professional linebackers), and he’s not terribly fast. And people overrate him because of his stupid moralizing. OK, so maybe I’m a bit of a hater.

Anyway, Tebow sort of reminds me of Ron Dayne. I think most people knew that Dayne wouldn’t succeed as a pro. He was just too slow, and his size advantage would only work in college. He had physical gifts, they just stopped working when the competition got better. Anyway…

I always argued otherwise, thinking back to the lasers I'd seen a freshman Tebow throwing in warm-ups at the Swamp in 2006. I had faith in Tebow's pro potential, argued that any team that didn't consider drafting him was foolish. And after I saw Tebow dismantle the Sugar Bowl record books en route to a 31-for-35 passing performance for 482 yards in a romp over Cincinnati. He also tossed in 51 yards rushing.

How could anyone have any doubts?

Cincinnati? Dude, have you seen the Big East lately? That Cinci team allowed Illinois to score 39 points. Pitt scored 44 on them. An unranked UConn team scored 45 on them. I would hope that Tim Tebow would at least put up better numbers than Juice Williams.

But Tebow's domination of the Sugar Bowl record book was in the future on that October day at the Cocktail Party. On that day Florida fans saw the Draft Tebow shirt and did the Gator chomp. They'd seen the Tebow, had faith in his ability to overcome any challenge.

These were in the ancient days before Tebow's statue was complete in Gainesville and before there was a plaque outside the wall featuring the speech Tebow gave after the loss to Ole Miss. "The Promise." But Georgia fans were not as enamored of Tebow. "He's a f---- fullback," screamed one fan. "He's a tight end," screamed another. "Tebow's a f---- p--y," catcalled an elegant female Bulldog.

Love him or hate him, already, Tebow was legend.

None of this has anything to do with Tebow’s ability to play in the pros. We know about all of this garbage. Announcers talked about nothing else during every Florida broadcast. The auditory fellatio directed at Tebow by announcers was also legend.

The question remained: would Tebow's game translate at the next level? Could he become a winning quarterback in the NFL? His jerseys flew off the shelf, becoming the best-selling jersey in the NFL. But Tebow stayed on the sideline. Then the head coach who'd risked his coaching future on drafting him, Josh McDaniels, was fired. At long last, Tebow took the field.

I would just like to point out that Kyle Orton actually played pretty well, especially early. And it’s quite possible that had the Broncos stayed healthy, and not been run by morons, or had some kind of defense, that Orton could very well have kept it up. Later, we will be talking about "300 yard games" for no good reason. Just keep in mind that Orton threw for over 300 yards in 4 of the Broncos first 5 games this year.

He lost his first game as a starter, against the Oakland Raiders,

8/16 for 138 yards and 1 TD. Half of those went to Brandon Lloyd.

but on Sunday Tebow took the field as a starter for a second time. And Tim Tebow vanquished the doubters who claimed he'd never be a winning quarterback at the NFL level.

By completing just over 50% of his passes against the worst secondary in the NFL. Well, I’m silenced. Oh, wait, no I’m not, because I watch NFL games and know about the Texans and follow Steph Stradley on Twitter.

Throwing for 308 yards against the Houston Texas, Tebow rallied his Denver Broncos team from a 17-0, second-half deficit and snatched a victory many never believed would come, a 24-23 triumph.

Really? Houston is basically famous for blowing second-half leads at this point. They’ve blown some truly amazing leads. They lost on a pick-6 in OT 2 weeks before this. 3 weeks ago they blew a big lead against the Eagles. In week 11 they let the Jets go all the way down the field with no timeouts and under a minute to go in only 2 plays to blow what should have been a sure victory.

The Texans do this all the time.

It wasn't just that Tebow won, it's the fact that his game clearly translates to the next level.

Did he improve his accuracy? Speed up his delivery?

Tebow's emotional embrace of the gridiron, his infectious enthusiasm, it's all there, working on an NFL sideline just like it worked in college. Just the way that his critics long contended it wouldn't. The anti-Tebow contingent was flat out wrong, but they won't admit it yet.

Oh. So…he’s a cheerleader. I’m glad Brandon Lloyd started playing better after Tebow started inspiring him. Oh, wait, he was awesome even when the kind of mopey-looking Neckbeard was QB. So, who is being enthused by Tebow exactly?

Already, the Tebow haters are retrenching their criticisms now that he is a winning quarterback in the NFL.

Because he won a game? Like, 1 game? So John Skelton is also a “Winning Quarterback”?

Tebow, in throwing for 300 yards in just his second start as a rookie, has managed a feat that neither Peyton nor Eli Manning could accomplish in their rookie seasons.

Eli Manning, nice QB, not that great. Peyton Manning was drafted #1 overall. When you are drafted #1 overall the team that drafts you is terrible as a rule (barring a trade, I suppose). Also, the Texans secondary doesn’t come around very often, and as previously pointed out, everyone has torched them. Also, raw yardage is a stupid measure.

There must be a reason why they were wrong. The Tebow haters are circling, nervous, still unwilling to give up the hateful fight. They point to the Houston Texans' pass defense, currently ranked 32nd in the league.

Uhm..yes. Though I’m not sure last really captures their terribleness completely. I mean, you can’t be worse than 32nd. You can’t fall off the floor, as they say.
Want to read a whole bunch of straw man arguments all in a row?

The same people who said that Tebow would never win an NFL game,

Basically, no one said this. Tons of awful QBs have “won” NFL games.

wring their hands and argue that this is too small of a sample size to prove anything.

Yes, one game is too small of a sample size to prove anything. That is correct. But they will not “wring their hands” as they are correct.

And even if it does prove anything, the Texans are awful. So what, you know, if the Broncos are also awful. That's why the Texans were favored to win this game.

No , no, no. The Texans are not awful. The Texans’ offense is very good. This is why the Texans are in almost every game they play. Their defense, however, is so bad that even Tim Tebow looked OK against it.

Of course, those Tebow haters have already been proven wrong so now they have to move their targets, have to argue that Tebow can't do it again.

Now I'm not really not sure if this is parody or not. I’m not that acquainted with Clay Travis's writing, but this sounds so meatball-y that it is difficult to believe it was published. Actually, I take that back. This is the kind of tripe I might expect from an old-timey columnist, so I guess my main surprise is that an online magazine published this. It might be Tebow-baiting.

When he does, they'll argue that he can't beat a team with a winning record, that he can't beat a 3-4 defense, that he can't win a playoff game, that he can't win a Super Bowl. You get the picture. Tebow haters gonna hate. And keep shifting the argument every time Tebow proves them wrong. Tebow haters will begin every sentence with, "Yeah, but..."

You did see his game against the Raiders last week, right? Where he completed 8 passes? And it was only the Raiders. I mean, we’re dealing with a small sample size here to start, the least you could do is not ignore half of the sample size.

But every time they adjust their argument Tebow moves further down the field, powering through his haters like they stood between him and the goal line. Already the college debate that lasted for three years -- could Tebow win in the NFL?-- has shifted to, how many games can Tebow win in the NFL? The answer? A ton. Make no mistake about it, quarterbacks passing for 300 yards in their rookie season are rare, no matter who the NFL competition is.

This is not true, and it is not true that 300 yard games against the Texans are rare. And “300 yards” is one of those annoying, arbitrary round number bench marks. Sticking to the 300 yard thing ignores that fact that Tebow wasn’t very accurate in this game, and was actually picked off by a defense that only had 8 non-Rusty interceptions all season.

In fact, here's a list of Super Bowl winning NFL quarterbacks who didn't manage that feat in their first year: Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Drew Brees and Brett Favre.

First, I hate the inclusion of Eli Manning in this list. Second, Drew Bledsoe did it. So did Marc Bulger (453). And Kevin Kolb (391). And Peyton Manning (302), and Peyton Manning (309), and Peyton Manning (357), and Peyton Manning (335). Wait. Hold on. Didn’t he just claim that Peyton had never done this? Let’s rewind…

Make no mistake about it, quarterbacks passing for 300 yards in their rookie season are rare, no matter who the NFL competition is.

In fact, here's a list of Super Bowl winning NFL quarterbacks who didn't manage that feat in their first year: Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Drew Brees and Brett Favre.

Not only did Peyton Manning do this, he is the all-time rookie leader in 300 yard passing games. Good lord. It’s one thing to make a stupid argument. It’s another thing entirely to be so lazy in researching your article that you get a counting stat about Peyton Manning not only wrong, but really really wrong. Opposite wrong. This article must be satire.

Here's a list of Super Bowl winning quarterbacks from the past 20 years who threw for 300 or more yards in their second career start.

That would be zero.

For the record, Peyton did it in his first career start. Also, it doesn’t really matter.

Not a one.

I mean, really? By the way, while I’ve been writing this I’ve been researching how rare 300 yard games by rookie QBs actually are. In 2002 it happened 6 times, 3 by Bulger, and 1 each by Joey Harrington, Patrick Ramsey, and Chad Hutchinson. Truly the elite of the QB world. By the way, Patrick Ramsey did it in his second career game. Did you do any research at all for this article?

And, oh by the way, Bronco fans, need a guy who also threw for 300 yards in the second-to-last game of his rookie season? Guy by the name of John Elway. Pretty good company, right?

John Elway – 15 year career, 5 Super Bowl appearances, 2 Wins, #1 overall pick, 9-time pro-bowler, multiple passing record holder, former MVP, great athlete, huge arm, quick release, extremely accurate.

Tim Tebow – controversial 1st-round pick, slow, ugly delivery, questions about his ability to make several NFL throws, has only played two games and completed just over 50% of his passes. Also, circumcises kids in the offseason.

Not similar.

Mine eyes have seen the Tebow and as much as it drives his haters crazy, you ain't seen nothing yet. But what you have seen is something the haters said you'd never see, Tebow with a win as a starting quarterback in the NFL.

No one said that. This column is nothing but a fanboy collection of straw men and non-facts. If it’s parody it commits the sin of not being funny, but I sure hope it’s parody, because if it’s not, it’s Bleacher Report bad.

This author is from Tennessee, which led me to believe this was satire as he probably isn't a big Florida fan and annoyed by Tebow hagiography, and he got stats about Peyton Manning just wrong, which a Tennessean probably shouldn't do. But then we have this on Twitter:

Hundreds of emailers told me I was a fool for believing in Tebow's NFL future for the past three years. Early validation for Tebow fans.

I'm really not sure, but I think it's terrible either way.