What’s the worst part about the new Soldier Field? I mean the inside, not the space toilet-y outside.

I attended the Bears-Vikings game a few weeks ago, just to cross a stadium off the list. Also, it's kind of fun to boo everyone. Anyway, I was not impressed. Why?

Well, the single worst thing is...

1. BEAR DOWN!

I have no problem with cheesy theme songs in theory, and all Chicago teams have them. (Go Cubs Go, Here come the Hawks, the Go-Go White Sox thing), but there is a time and a place for these things, and that time and place is not after every Field Goal. Imagine if, at Wrigley Field, the Cubs played Go Cubs Go after every run. That’s what it’s like at Soldier.

NO ONE IS AFRAID OF YOUR T-FORMATION. That’s the worst part of the song other than all of the other parts. I know the Wing-T was standard football back in the day and perhaps the Bears had some fearsome people running the thing, but the formation itself isn’t scary. It’s just weird. Like, if a terrible team would just line up their backfield in the T, all of a sudden the opposing defense would start cowering.

2. The second worst thing is that they try to label the fans as “Phase 4” (offense, defense, and special teams being the other 3 phases). I appreciate that everyone has the 12th man and the Packers have the G-Force thing and you want to be original, but once again, this doesn’t make any sense.

“Hey, Frank, are we on offense or defense?”
“We’re on “Fans”. You know, Phase 4.”
“Oh, in that case I’m going to the bathroom.”

See what I mean? No sense at all.

3. The 3rd worst part is that beer costs 8 bucks.

4. The 4th worst part is that the field itself is perpetually in terrible shape. When you drive from the North side of Chicago to the South side, you commonly take Lakeshore Drive. Once you pass downtown on a nice summer day, you might be shocked to find that the median as well as the sides of the road have absolutely beautiful flower gardens growing on them, courtesy of the city. I will never understand how the middle of a highway is more well-manicured than the multi-million dollar football stadium next to said highway.

5. The 5th worst part is that when there is a timeout, the announcer says “Timeout”, and everyone in the stands yells “Where?”, and then the announcer says “on the field”, and the crowd yells “Oh.” It’s weird.

6. The 6th worst part is the Bear growl. While they do exercise some restraint, unlike the hornblower in Minnesota or the Wildcat noise at Northwestern, it’s still too often for my taste.

7. The 7th worst part is that while the inside is definitely nicer than the outside, it’s still not nearly as nice as most new stadiums including the refurbished Lambeau Field.


Actually, I’m just kidding. The worst part is that you have to watch the Bears play.