Sophist obsessed with Sapphist or…

Jay Marotti looks to new Cubs ownership to provide hot girl-on-girl action.

Jay writes this column once a year. It’s the standard “The Cubs are horrible and always will be and we should fire everyone” column. However, in this year’s vintage, well…check this out. Let’s start where normalcy ends:

"Now we can go get Roy Halladay," Ramirez said.

That is Cubs’ 3rd baseman Aramis Ramirez talking about the upsides of having settled ownership. The Cubs have, to some extent, had their hands tied with regard to spending money due to their pending sale. Ramirez thinks that a splurge of free agent spending is now on the way. So far, so good. A baseball player is talking about baseball. Now, on to the next paragraph (seriously, this is the next paragraph), where normalcy is savagely murdered in favor of this…

Maybe, maybe not. But there is this twist: One of Joe Ricketts' kids, Laura, is a lesbian. Technically, then, she will be one of the Cubs owners. "If that's not enough of a reason to buy a bleacher seat to a Cubs game, I don't know what is," wrote Trish Bendix as part of her "L-Blog" page on Chicago Now, the Tribune's blog site.

At this point, Cubdom doesn't really care who owns the ballclub. If Laura Ricketts can produce a championship, hundreds of thousands of fans surely will show up for the next Gay and Lesbian Pride parade.

Now, I urge you to read the entire thing, just to prove that I did not take this out of context. Such a thing would be impossible, as Jay Mariotti actually wrote it out of context. In the paragraph before this one he’s urging the new ownership to steal Theo Epstein, and in the paragraph after this one he talks about the Cubs aged roster.

And this sentence:

“One of Joe Ricketts' kids, Laura, is a lesbian. Technically, then, she will be one of the Cubs owners.”

makes it seem like she will be an owner because she is a lesbian. I also think he’s implying (hopefully accidentally) that free agents (like Roy Halladay) may be attracted to the team by the owner's lesbian daughter. Observe:

1. Aramis says “now we can get Roy Hallady.”

2. Jay says “Maybe, maybe not, but there’s a twist.

3. The Shyamalanian twist: Laura Ricketts is a lesbian.

4. Jay quotes someone saying : “If that's not enough of a reason to buy a bleacher seat to a Cubs game, I don't know what is”

I don’t know what Jay Mariotti was thinking when he wrote this. I suspect that our friendly rivals at Wrigleyville23 (hat tip) are correct. He wanted to write the word “lesbian” on the internet. Now that’s some good ole professional column-writin’ there. Maybe he’s angling for a move from Fanhouse to KSK or something.

Nah, he could never cut it there.