If I were Mike Skinner,*

The British rapper otherwise known as The Streets, this would be my Gary Sheffield rap:

Gary Sheffield

Failed to produce the effort to yield proper results afield

Saving the proper wielding of his bat post Wisco

Am I being Clear? Crystal.**

The Cream that made him cream of the crop.

Not trying is worse than any steroid; team over all; team til we drop dead,

Even his rookie card was an error, Topps prophetic.***

Tanking in Milwaukee and Detroit, pathetic.

Worse than Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe or Big Mac,

The Geez

A hack, a saboteur of pastimes held dear

His crimes are unforgivable.

Mr. Sheffield, meet the mirror.

As for Jeremy Jeffress, we'll go with this one:





*Yes, this may very well be the strangest thing I have ever written. It happens.

**If Mike Skinner is talking, crystal definitely rhymes with Wisco.

***Did anyone else have his Topps Future Star error card? Sheff's head was slightly higher and there was an extra white bar in the lower frame. Here is the non-error version: